More Thoughts of an American Living in Brazil

For those of you who have been reading my blog regularly, you know that a few months back I started to write down the things that I find random or different that I come across in Brazil.  You can find the original post on the May column to the right.  Again, these are just little tidbits that aren't worth an entire column but things that I find interesting for better and for worse.  Here they are in no particular order.

   

One of the funniest (and annoying at the same time) things that Brazilians do is that they always ask if you have change when you are buying something.  They literally ask you EVERY single time.  For instance, if you buy something for 11 reais and you give them 20, they will ask you for one real.  But it doesn't stop there.  If you buy something for R$15.50, they will ask you for the R$0.50 every time.  If I had the change, don't you think I would use it?  You may not think this is that unusual but, trust me, you will notice it right away.  It's almost as if they are deathly afraid of having to reach into the cash register and grab some change.  I have no idea how or when this started, but I would very much like it to end soon...

I constantly find myself in unique situations here in Brazil.  Like I've always said, it's like the wild, wild, west down here.  In the last week alone, I've partied with a Brazilian pop star, Ja Rule, and a Russian oil magnet (who must have ordered at least 50 bottles champagne during the night - I had never seen anything like it in my life).  This past week my picture with some friends even managed to grace the pages of a local magazine.  I'm not exactly sure how these things keep happening, but I'm not going to ask any questions.  It sure beats sitting at my desk wondering if there is going to be a hot chick at Balboa that night.

If you are ever lost and need to ask for directions, be prepared to stay lost.  Brazilians are good at many things but giving directions is not one of them.  I was looking for the Brazilian version of the DMV last week and had to stop twice for directions.  One guy sent me south and one guy sent me north.  I've learned my lesson, and so I went west and found it immediately...

On that same note, Brazilian cities weren't built with a lot of foresight.  The streets go in every which way imaginable (imagine the world's biggest maze) and the street names are so long that you couldn't possibly remember them.  For instance, my home address is Rodovia Jornalista Manoel de Menezes 2129 (that took only about a month to remember).  My last two addresses in San Francisco were on Green Street and Pine Street (not quite the same).  Therefore, when you are receiving directions, it will be more along the lines of, "take a left at the Pizza Hut, go straight until you hit the video store, you will see a hospital, turn right, etc., etc., etc."  

Brazil just about one month ago enacted a law that makes drunk driving illegal.  If you can believe it, before then you could drive anywhere you wanted totally blacked out without it being illegal.  Since the DUI laws in the U.S., as we know them now, were created in the 1980's, that only puts Brazil about 20 years behind the rest of the civilized world!  The only problem is that Brazilians drive like such maniacs in the first place that it is impossible to tell who is drunk and who is not on the road.  If I were a Brazilian police officer and I saw someone driving the speed limit, staying within one lane, not aggressively passing cars, and overall just obeying all laws, I would pull them over immediately.  That person is clearly drunk!

My washer/dryer drama has finally ended.  It officially took me around two months from the original date of purchase for me to have a working dryer.  There were so many electrical problems with my first dryer that I had to return it for another version.  Currently, I have a 15K washer and a 10K dryer (and this was the biggest dryer in the country that I could buy).  Therefore, it takes almost two dryer loads to finish one washer load.  My maid gets so frustrated sometimes that she just goes old school and puts all of my clothes outside on a rack.  It's like the Brazilian Hillbillies over here!

I never in my life could have imagined how much Brazilians like to party.  On Sundays back in the U.S., I would be hard pressed to find a place that was open, no less a place that actually had something going on.  On Sundays here in Floripa, you have to go out early, otherwise, you risk having trouble getting in because there are so many people out (did I mention it's ladies night?).  Tuesday - sure, let's go out all night.  Thursday, Friday, Saturday - of course, party until 6AM.  Anyone who thinks Brazilians are a little more laid back than the rest of the world should see them on a dance floor with strobe lights on Sunday night at 3AM!

One of the most entertaining things I have witnessed while being here is how aggressive Brazilian guys are with girls.  You honestly wouldn't believe the difference in mentality.  If a Brazilian guy doesn't have his tongue down the throat of a girl he just met within minutes (the "Brazilian handshake"), he will quickly throw her aside for the next one.  I joke with my Brazilian guy friends that they would be thrown in jail within minutes of going into a club in the U.S.  I do want to thank them, though, for paving the way for us "gentlemen" from the U.S.  If I say please or thank you to a girl, she thinks that I have more manners than Prince Charles.  It is like the equivalent to a lifetime of holding open the door and pulling out the chair for a girl in the U.S.  I think Brazilian guys are just spoiled.  They have been surrounded by gorgeous women their whole lives so if one doesn't like them, they simply move on to the next available one.  What an insanely great country...

Along those same lines, for us Americans, everything we have learned about approaching women must be thrown out the window.  If a girl indicates that she is not interested, it rarely means that is the case.  However, we are just used to being respectful (I guess that's the right term) and moving on if things don't start off well.  Whereas, Brazilian girls are so used to being relentlessly pursued that the first "no" is just a reaction and may not actually depict her true feelings.  Here is a typical conversation between an American male and a Brazilian female and what each is thinking along the way:

American Male is thinking: Jesus, that girl is smoking hot.  I HAVE to talk to her, right?

American Male says: "Hey.  How are you?  My name is John.  I like this place a lot.  I just moved here from the U.S.  Can I buy you a drink and we can talk more?"  

Brazilian Female is thinking: Jesus, this guy has a bad Portuguese accent.

Brazilian Female says: "Get away from me.  I don't want to talk to you."

American Male is thinking: Wow, that was rough, but I can't wait to tell my friends that I talked to a hot Brazilian!

American Male says: "Ok.  I'm really sorry.  I hope you have a good night."

Brazilian Female is thinking: I can't believe he doesn't like me.  Seriously, I CAN'T believe he doesn't like me.  I wore the wrong dress.  I'm not pretty at all.  I'm disgusting.  Why does he not like me?

The moral of the story is that if you are to have any chance here, all societal norms from the U.S. must be thrown out the window.  You have to be willing to fight through that first wall and forget it ever happened.  We have convinced my friend, Marvio (literally the most aggressive human being on earth), to start writing down his thoughts and hopefully one day he will have a book.  I don't know the title yet but something along the lines of It's Not Her Choice, It's Mine would not be out of the question.

I saw Alessandra Ambrosio at a party last week.  Granted, she was pregnant, but she was probably the 20th hottest girl at the party.  It's like the Westminster Model Show down here...

I'm finally making progress on my Portuguese thanks to wonderful Rosana (don't get excited - Rosana is pushing 50).  The funny thing is that she can tell within five seconds whether I went out the night before.  When I show up and she asks, "Tudo bem?" and I respond, "Eu estou com sono," she knows she's in for a long lesson.  Sometimes I try to mislead her with, "Eu estou cansado," but she reads right through that....

Being single in Brazil might cause me to die about 20 years before expected (it's virtually impossible to stay home at night), but I can't imagine that I would be too depressed about it.  I'm 31 years old (soon to be 32, uhum) and having the time of my life.  If I had done this 10 years ago, I would have been too immature and too dumb to realize what was happening.  In 10 years from now, I would be the old guy at the bar creeping everyone out.  After high school, I thought nothing in life will ever be as good as that (no cares in the world, no problems, friends, girlfriends, sports, parties, etc.).  Then college came and went and I was certain that it was all downhill from there (living in Malibu, partying in LA, no bills, no responsibilities whatsoever other than showing up to class at 1PM, etc.).  And then I moved to San Francisco, met some incredible people, and couldn't believe how fun life was and said, well, this is it (incredible city, trips to Tahoe, trips to Napa, new friends, new everything, etc.).  Now I'm here and I wake up every day with a big smile on my face.  Just when you think some of the best times in your life have come and gone, something like this happens and blows your world away.  I have no idea where life is going to go from here, but there is no other place in the world that I would rather be than RIGHT HERE.  Now hurry up and come visit!!!!

One last note: my friend, Jeremiah, is nearing the end of his epic journey of creating "The Girls of Floripa" calendar.  You can actually go on his website and vote for the pictures you like the best.  Check it out at www.floripacalendar.com and make sure your schedule is clear for the next 3-4 hours....

I made the mistake of not having my camera with me for this week's parties.  I should have known that there is no such thing as a down night.  Oh well.  Anyway, to make up for it, here are just some random pictures from Floripa for your viewing pleasure...