Thoughts of an American Living in Brazil

I wanted to put together all the random things that I have noticed while living down here.  Most of these things in and of themselves do not warrant a post of their own, but I thought together they would be more interesting.  Perhaps they will be helpful for those who intend to visit one day or to simply give you some perspective on how different life is in Brazil.  Here they are in no particular order:

Brazilians are HUGE on documents.  If you want to buy a loaf of bread with your credit card, be prepared to provide your report card from 7th grade.

The easiest thing I have done so far was apply for my segunda via ("second version" of my Brazilian ID card) at the Receita Federal (the Brazilian IRS).  Go figure, in the country with more bureaucracy than you can possibly fathom, the IRS is the safe haven.

Never drink straight from a can (use a straw!) or people will look at you like you are licking the sidewalk after a parade.

No drink is ever served with ice (unless specifically requested) yet Brazilians absolutely love drinks that are basically on the verge of being frozen.  Does that make sense???  I say no.  Perhaps the lack of ice has inadvertently created an acquired desire for it.  Therefore, if you are having a party, make sure there is plenty of space in your freezer!

Milk lasts two months here and is not refrigerated in the grocery store yet I can't find milk that lasts one week in the U.S.  This development is perfect for the bachelor and has even allowed me to endlessly enjoy Frosted Flakes.

At the movie theater, you get half price (full price is less than $4 if you can believe that) on Tuesdays if you kiss your girlfriend/wife (or whoever for that matter) at the ticket counter.  Keep in mind that this is not at some Mom and Pop movie theater.  This is at the huge cinema in the mall (with fantastic leather seats I might add).  I think it's safe to say that business is valued a little bit differently down in South America. 

A Red Bull/vodka costs 20 reais (about $12) yet I can get a great car wash or hair cut for the same price.

We have an almost universal alphabet yet in Portuguese o's are pronounced like u's, r's are pronounced like h's, and so forth.  What is the point of the alphabet if there is no universally agreed upon pronunciation?  BTW, I think I'm just bitter at Portuguese right now ;).  

If you want to cross the street, you have to be willing to die a tragic death.  Pedestrians have about as many rights as grasshoppers.

When you live in a country where soccer is everything and you were the best player on the team that won two World Cups, you can go to a motel with three transvestite hookers and everyone will still love and admire you.

Ten minutes means one hour, two days means one week, two weeks means one month, and so on and so forth.....

If you never ask for your bill upon finishing a meal, they will literally never bring it to you.  You could sit at the table all night.  I actually think they are trying to be polite in an effort not to rush anyone.  Needless to say, there is definitely no such thing at "turning over tables" in Brazil.

Brazilian girls are intense, passionate, and in constant need of attention.  If you're not ready to publicly display your affection to a girl in every way imaginable, just stay home.  You will be better off.  Trust me.

Brazilian girls are the most resourceful bunch on the planet.  They could live out of a purse for a week straight and never go home.  Somehow,  they are still able to go the beach and out at night with a different outfit each time (where do they come from?) while still looking like they have been prepping for hours.  

I could drive down the highway and shoot a machine gun out of my window for five minutes straight with three transvestite hookers in my car without a problem, yet somehow I have received five speeding tickets and counting.  I can't explain how much I hate photo radar.  Some things are better off left in the U.S.    

When meeting with an tax adviser, he asks how much I would like to pay.  In a country where the top officials regularly steal from the citizens, it is not uncommon to find ways to get some of that money back.

Brazilians are the friendliest people on the planet.  They make Mr. Rogers look like Rasheed Wallace when his pot runs out.  

When you arrive at a gas station, don't get out of the car and try to pump the gas yourself.  Somebody does that for you, or at least that's what I found out...after the fact.  Thank you to my Brazilian friends sitting in the car laughing!

I can get wi-fi access at almost any cafe, but I can't flush toilet paper down the toilet.  Somebody please tell me what's more important: establishing wi-fi internet capability that allows me to surf TMZ.com while sipping a latte or fixing a sewage system that is so bad that people have to throw poo in the trash?

The one universal comment I get when Brazilian girls see pictures of American girls on the beach is, "Wow, their bikinis are really big."  I am not even remotely kidding.  I would now like to personally thank the angel that created the Brazilian bikini. 

In order to pay my bills, I have to physically go to the Loteria (half lottery store/half shit hole).  In the U.S., I can pay all my bills at one time in less than 30 seconds.  In Brazil, paying my cell phone bill requires me to get in my car, drive 10 minutes, wait in line, and then pay in cash (one of my least favorite things to do).  If there wasn't a 95% chance that I see a ridiculously hot girl in line, I would go back to sending smoke signals.  

The biggest scam in Brazil is the notary business (it's a family owned monopoly - shocker!).  Almost everything you do requires some sort of notarization.  You want to transfer your phone line?  Get ten documents notarized.  You want to set up cell phone service?  Get your proof of residence notarized (which was probably also notarized).  My favorite part is when my lawyer asked for notarized copies of my passport.  Oh, you mean the U.S. government wasn't good enough?  You prefer to have a 21 year old Brazilian girl who has never been on an airplane and still lives with her parents validate the authenticity of my passport with her signature?  Ok, sounds good.

I decided to give up my life of luxury of delivery laundry service and purchased my own washer and dryer (my maid graciously agreed to do my laundry - haha).  However, my washer is 220 volts and my dryer is 110 volts, which will require an adapter or my house will burn down.  I really hope that the guy who decided on 110 volts for the dryer gets fired.

99% of the Brazilians I know have tattoos.  In a place where clothing is minimal, I think tattoos are simply a way for Brazilians to express themselves in another way.  You can spot the gringos on the beach from a mile away.  We're the only ones without them....and, um, we're much whiter.

You shouldn't be shocked if I tell you I made out with a girl with braces.  But don't worry, I'm not going to jail.  Braces are very popular here and are even seen as a sign of wealth (not everyone can afford them).  The strange thing is that people get them at a much later age than in the U.S (20's, 30's, you name it).  Therefore, if you meet a girl and her beautiful smile reveals braces, don't hesitate...but check her ID first.  ;)

Two things regarding eating at a restaurant with Brazilians:  (1) don't be surprised if one of them orders as soon as he/she sits down without waiting for anyone else (or asking for that matter), and (2) they never wait for everyone's food to arrive to start eating.  If their food arrives, they will start eating immediately.  Neither is considered remotely impolite.  

As I said above, these are all things that I have come across while living here.  Some of these things sounds like complaints, which they aren't.  I love every minute of living here but, as with anything, it just takes some time to adjust to a different way of life.  In the moment, it can be very frustrating but I have a good sense of humor.  I find myself laughing more often than not, and I guess that's all you can really ask for.

As usual, here are some pictures from the week.